If there is one advice that I can offer you, it is this: Never drink Red Bull right after brushing your teeth. It was one of those mornings. I had just brushed my teeth and found myself at the corner 7-11 to get a Red Bull. I was still sleepy and had planned on the Red Bull to give me a much-needed kick in the pants. My sleepiness had made me forget that I had just performed my morning hygiene. The moment that yellow carbonated go-go juice hit my tongue, it was the 4th of July in my mouth.
Next thing I remember the Niagara Falls was surgically attached to my face. Tears were just cascading down my cheeks without end. Trying to avert an embarrassment and having people think that I was crying, I rushed to the public restroom a few doors down. I noticed a crowd in the front but my vision was blurry, so I waited until I was done with the waterfalls episode.
As my vision started coming back to focus, I noticed that I was looking at the familiar face of Rich garbed in a very conservative dark blue suit with a red power tie. “Rich”, I called out. And in a voice reminiscent of Ronald Reagan, he shook my hands and said, “Well, hello, fellow American, it is nice that you can join us today in support of the many hard-working employees of 7-11 who are, on a daily basis, subjected to the humiliation of having their customers talk to them with an Indian accent. If you notice, not everyone who works for 7-11 is of Indian ancestry and they are not all named Singh. We are here today, trying to expose these hooligan acts of humiliation to prevent it from happening in the future”.
“Dude”, I said. “It’s me, can you lose your suave sophisticated voice? I just drank Red Bull after brushing my teeth. I’m dying here.” He took me by the arm around the corner where nobody can see us and loosened his tie. “Man, am I glad to see you”, he said in his usual shrill voice. “I don’t know what to do anymore, I think of Nina day and night and this is what I came up with to try to win her heart. You know, I want to make her feel that a future with me will be a great life and so I decided to embark on a political career to become the President of these United States”. There was a long pregnant pause lasting several long seconds as it took a few moments for his words to sink in.
Then, he said “Look at my banners”, he said while pointing at the large banners hanging. “The Republicans came up with - If you want to be rich, vote Republican Party. To counter that, the Democratic Party came up with - If you want to be rich like a Republican, vote Democrat. It was so confusing, so I simplified the whole thing and came up with “If you wanna be rich, vote for Rich. It’s got a real nice ring to it, don’t you think?”
“I started my campaign here because I love 7-11”, he continued. “It’s the only place I know where donuts can be had in the morning or if you wish at 10PM at night. All the other donut shops are already closed by then. Here, have a half a dozen donuts, putting one very soft piece in my mouth so I can’t speak.”
“Ok”, he said. “I have got to go but join me at the local 99 Market next week where we will expose that not all kitchens in Chinese restaurants are manned by Chinese cooks from Mainland China but in actuality by Mexicans. The campaign will be called “Chinese Food made for Americans by Mexicans”. This will also prove that not everything is made in China. It’s more like Made in the USA by Mexicans. I think you’ll like it. Supporters who arrive will be treated with delectable egg rolls the size of burritos. You have got to try it – promise me you’ll be there”, he said. I replied with a nod and off he went back to his adoring supporters – shaking hands, smiling and walking like a serious contender.
TO BE CONTINUED
