CONTINUED FROM Y060709 (2of4)
CLICK TO READ PREVIOUS EPISODE
Sometimes when you find a solution to one problem, another problem pops up unexpectedly. Life is interesting that way. By association, I was now a bonafide member of the High School Let’s Get Wasted Club. I had a pass to just about any party that she got invited to. But one thing she didn’t know was that I was many years older than I had led on. That means any number of boyfriend and girlfriend things that we might end up engaging in would likely be a violation of child exploitation laws. Put simply, she was a minor and I wasn’t. I was stuck with an interesting conundrum, which threatened to blow my cover. To make sure none of her rights were violated, I had to essentially transform into some sort of libertine monk – a pot smoking Catholic sacristan choirboy. I could explain why it is that I cannot engage in any sexual activities with her. All I can say is that my devotion to my faith prohibits me from any sexual activity outside the bounds of matrimony. The Catholic faith prohibits having a little something before or something extra after marriage. That’s a reasonable explanation that she would probably understand. The only thing that I had to figure out was a good excuse why I could not even kiss her.
I was off to the library – the medical section – to figure out what illnesses I had to contract so I could excuse myself from kissing her. That posed some of the most interesting questions. How can I tell her I have something resembling acute tuberculosis and at the same time party like it’s 1999? I spent my whole brain just trying to figure out a way out to do this. In the end, none of the medical explanations would have worked. So, finally, I decided to take drastic measures and incapacitate my lips for smooching. I had to find a way to put my own mouth through a high velocity collision to make it unpalatable for kissing. I also had to wrap it with gauze to make it look like the hands of a prizefighter before a fight.
The best way to stage a busted lip is to have someone sucker punch you in the mouth. However, if a sadomasochist is not part of your network, the next best thing is to run your face into a wall while you have your lips outstretched. That’s very hard to do because it defies human instincts but not impossible. Whenever I have to do something unpleasant, something comes over me and I just stand up and do it. I took a coffee table, laid on the bed, lifted it up above my head and dropped it on my face. There was nay a smidge of ceremony, only results. After I came to, I had a busted lip that was legit and good for at least a couple of weeks. By the time I had bandaged it up, my mouth looked like the latest find from Egyptian antiquities – Liplockhamun. The biggest nutritional drawback from that was from that point forward everything I ate had to be put through a blender.
The inconvenience of the production was well worth the effort. If anything, I would not be encroaching on any laws. Even if she wanted to kiss me, my lips would not touch hers. Hers would be touching basically a mummy. The next day, my appearance at school was on my list of things to do. So off I went to pick my girl up – at 7AM.
TO BE CONTINUED
(Analyst 47X)
WHY THE FUNNY BLOG SERIES?
CLICK TO READ PREVIOUS EPISODE
Sometimes when you find a solution to one problem, another problem pops up unexpectedly. Life is interesting that way. By association, I was now a bonafide member of the High School Let’s Get Wasted Club. I had a pass to just about any party that she got invited to. But one thing she didn’t know was that I was many years older than I had led on. That means any number of boyfriend and girlfriend things that we might end up engaging in would likely be a violation of child exploitation laws. Put simply, she was a minor and I wasn’t. I was stuck with an interesting conundrum, which threatened to blow my cover. To make sure none of her rights were violated, I had to essentially transform into some sort of libertine monk – a pot smoking Catholic sacristan choirboy. I could explain why it is that I cannot engage in any sexual activities with her. All I can say is that my devotion to my faith prohibits me from any sexual activity outside the bounds of matrimony. The Catholic faith prohibits having a little something before or something extra after marriage. That’s a reasonable explanation that she would probably understand. The only thing that I had to figure out was a good excuse why I could not even kiss her.
I was off to the library – the medical section – to figure out what illnesses I had to contract so I could excuse myself from kissing her. That posed some of the most interesting questions. How can I tell her I have something resembling acute tuberculosis and at the same time party like it’s 1999? I spent my whole brain just trying to figure out a way out to do this. In the end, none of the medical explanations would have worked. So, finally, I decided to take drastic measures and incapacitate my lips for smooching. I had to find a way to put my own mouth through a high velocity collision to make it unpalatable for kissing. I also had to wrap it with gauze to make it look like the hands of a prizefighter before a fight.
The best way to stage a busted lip is to have someone sucker punch you in the mouth. However, if a sadomasochist is not part of your network, the next best thing is to run your face into a wall while you have your lips outstretched. That’s very hard to do because it defies human instincts but not impossible. Whenever I have to do something unpleasant, something comes over me and I just stand up and do it. I took a coffee table, laid on the bed, lifted it up above my head and dropped it on my face. There was nay a smidge of ceremony, only results. After I came to, I had a busted lip that was legit and good for at least a couple of weeks. By the time I had bandaged it up, my mouth looked like the latest find from Egyptian antiquities – Liplockhamun. The biggest nutritional drawback from that was from that point forward everything I ate had to be put through a blender.
The inconvenience of the production was well worth the effort. If anything, I would not be encroaching on any laws. Even if she wanted to kiss me, my lips would not touch hers. Hers would be touching basically a mummy. The next day, my appearance at school was on my list of things to do. So off I went to pick my girl up – at 7AM.
TO BE CONTINUED
(Analyst 47X)
WHY THE FUNNY BLOG SERIES?
