A Mo Tales Delay ...

The Mo Tales Series will not be shown this month. In its place we are showing an episode from “Love and Marriage” featuring the lovable characters of Al Bundy and Family.

We have been very busy at the RobertsJustice offices preparing for two cases that we will file around the end of the month. We’ve decided to proceed with Roy’s case, which we will call “Roy’s Law” for it’s intended goal of advocating for and creating case laws that protect the retirees’ individual rights. The other action is against the OC Sheriff’s Department and will be called “Police-tisizing Strategery” for its amazing attribute of making true the saying “… you are making a mountain out of a mole hill.” Early discoveries have shown a much bigger case than would be realized by simply filing suit to retrieve my beloved Chrysler 300M from the impound yard.

The episode featured today is actually quite entertaining and is true to the Mo Story about a funny and yet dysfunctional family. Enjoy.

CLICK TO VIEW AL BUNDY'S GREATEST HITS

Moments of Library Zen

I knew it was just a matter of time before the expert housekeeping training I received from my mother would come to great use. One of the first jobs I had when I first arrived in the states was as a hotel houseman. In those days, my mother was the “Director of Housekeeping” for what used to be called “Ben Brown’s Aliso Creek Inn” a small boutique resort in South Laguna that had an interesting golf course laid out in the middle of the canyons. The property was recently acquired by Montage Resorts and renamed Aliso Creek Inn to add to a portfolio of premium hotel properties.

Because of the many hours I spend at the Aliso Viejo Library, I befriended the custodian of the building. Last week, she found herself cleaning the library alone because her partner went on vacation. I didn’t miss the opportunity to offer her my expert assistance. So for about a week, I spent at least a couple of hours at night cleaning the library with her.

Janitorial work is not a particularly fulfilling profession. It’s a job that pays the bills and a stepping-stone for something else. Unless, off course, you own the business and that makes you an entrepreneur and a beneficiary to all the upside of business ownership. In those days, we were merely employees of a hotel. So, the other housemen and I found enjoyment in other measurable things. One thing that we did which gave us bragging rights was how perfectly we vacuumed the carpet for our guests before their arrival. If you’ve ever stayed at a high-end hotel, one of the first things you’ll notice as you enter the room is how meticulously prepared the carpet is. On many types of carpets a vacuum machine will leave a line as a result of the spinning brush. A well prepared carpet will leave lines that mimic a military formation at a parade – lines that are symmetrical, numerous and orderly.

There are two kinds of carpets inside the AV Library. A type used for high traffic areas covers a large portion of it and a green plush carpet covers the other half. It was there, on the green stuff, that my professional credentials became apparent. The first night, the custodian told me that she liked my work. The second night, she actually called me “Experto” which translates to expert in English. On the first night that her partner returned from vacation, she bench marked our work and divided the vacuuming duties between us. I took the left side of the library and her partner took the right side. When it was all done, the results were plain to see. At some level it was even painful. It was the difference between a college ball player and a professional baller playing at the highest level.

We never achieve perfection. The word is nothing more than an ideal that we strive towards – a direction and a target. But there is something to be said about being engaged in the moment. There is a degree of enjoyment, perhaps even contentment. Those few evenings I was vacuuming at the AV Library got me in touch with my past – a professional skill long forgotten that gave me, surprisingly, delightful moments at a Zen Garden.

Rich & Nina (14th July 2009)

(DJ RICH IS BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND. Rich’s story continues and this time he is a DJ spinning some 80’s records. If you've missed the previous episodes, click here to read the rest of DJ Rich - Episode #1 and Episode #2)

DJ RICH: “Do we have lady racecar drivers in the house tonight? (Crowd: Yeaahh) Ahaaaaa! That’s right, we’ve got zoomers in the house. Baby, you know I love you and some day I will see the world with you. I’m a DJ and everything but you know I like fast cars? Nice shiny and fast cars like yo’ man – you dig? I ain’t making a lot right now but some day I’ll hit it big and you and I will see some of THE fastest places on earth - where being fast just ain’t fast enough. Sometimes when I don’t see you for a long time, when I work days and nights on straight, I look in the mirror and I see myself looking like a wreck on turn two of Indy – it ain’t pretty. Then, I think about what our future will be and everything’s cool. Coz baby you’re like a hot car. You’ve got all the right sounds; the smooth curves and when you move with them stems of yours you’re like a proto-type coming down the Mulsanne Strait at 200 miles per hour. You step on that baby and you’d better be hanging on. But you’d better be hanging on to me, though. ‘Coz if you ain’t, it’ll break my heart. I wanna take you up to all the gears, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, and 7. You know what I mean baby – Monacco, Indy, Spa, Neubergring, Le Mans. I’m getting really excited here. So, how ‘bout you check your appointment book and get back to me? ‘Coz right around now, I’m just about ready to go on a real long holiday … with you baby!” CLICK TO SEE VIDEO


DJ RICH: “OOOhhhhweeeee … Isn’t it hot in here? Quick, somebody pour a bucket of real cold water on me. My baby’s gotten me real hot. Why you do me like that, baby? Do we have some dancers in the house tonight? (Crowd: Yeeaahhh!) That’s what I thought. I saw some of you ladies just tearin’ up the dance floor tonight. I like it! I was at the supermarket picking up some flowers for my lady and the fruit guy saw me dancin’ like Fred Astaire. So he asked me, hey what you dancin’ about, ma man? I says, you don’t understand brotha’ I’ve got my baby at home waitin’ for me. After a long night of spinnin’ records ain’t nothing better than being with my baby. She knows how to just make me feel right – from my head to my toes and when it gets pretty steamin’ everything goes. You know what I mean baby? It’s all about the feelin’s and she got me figured out. That’s why I keep coming home to her. And I have got to tell y’all is … what a feeling it has been – hotter than hot. It is so hot that when I think about her, my toes curl up like a curling iron – what up with that, Baby? Well, whatever Voodoo you got going on, I am feeling it baby ….” CLICK TO SEE VIDEO

DJ RICH: “Do we have any waitresses in the house here tonight? (Crowd: Yeaaahhh) Cooool … ‘coz baby, I just can’t wait any more. If I wait any longer I’m gonna end up with a plate of Kung-Pao Chicken with Firecracker Beef – hot, spicy and all the fixin’s – egg rolls and the fortune cookie that tells me you love me even if I ain’t perfect. And for desert. Well, it’s a secret – know what I mean? It’s just between my baby and me. I still have a couple of hours of spinnin’ …. (Crowd: Yeeaaahhh) Yeah, I hear ya. Two more hours of really hot dance music for you all. I love ya and everything but that means I’m two hours away from my baby. That’s just too long even if I take the express train from downtown. You’d better be settin’ up at home, baby. You know those little things you do, the candles, the dinner, the you know what baby. Because I am just telling you, baby It just ain’t right anymore. I just can’t wait anymore …” CLICK TO SEE VIDEO

DJ RICH: “I was looking at the weather on TV this morning and it’s supposed to raining. But how come it’s hot and sunny. I ain’t complaining, just wondering, you see. Ain’t it cool when it’s sunny? (Crowd: Yeaaaah) If I want to make my world sunny, all I got to do is think of my baby and it’s like I landed on some island in the tropics. Someone asked me once, if you were shipwrecked on an island and you can only pick one thing in this universe to have with you, what would it be? My answer is my baby, off course. Coz, she the bomb! She can cook. She can clean the house that I’m going to build out of coconut trees and shells. Man, just to impress her, I’ll make her a treehouse. I’ll call the island “Isla Bella” – meaning beautiful island just like my baby. When I’m doing my thing on the island, like tending to the fish farm, and it’s dinnertime, all she has to do is get up to the top of the treehouse and call me. “Come and get it!!” And you don’t have to ask twice. I’ll be right there. You know what I mean, baby? I know you like it. If I want it sunny ‘round here, all I’ve gots to do is think of you and it’s like I’m walking on sunshine.” CLICK TO SEE VIDEO

DJ RICH: “Baby, you know there comes a time when we got to get out of the apartment we live in and buy a house of our own, right? I’ve been saving up on the down payment. About few months ago, I went to a Realtor around the corner and told him ma plans. I told him how much I’ve been able to save up and he showed me a picture of a doghouse and said “That’s what your down payment can buy.” So I says, what do you mean a doghouse, my baby can’t sleep in a doghouse? That ain’t right. I know you don’t want to live in a doghouse, right baby? So I’ve been saving up my money. I may not have all of it now, but I have plans. I want our crib to be first class like we live in a 5 star hotel – with a swimming pool and a barbeque out back. Yeah. A nice kitchen with nice plates and silverware that say bling-bling, know what I mean baby? I’m going to be talking to an architect and see if he can take payments. And if he says yes, then we can have him draw up the plans. But until then, I’ll just keep on thinking about our house.” CLICK TO SEE VIDEO

DJ RICH: “All right … Did you guys feel that? Did you feel the ground rumblin’. Do you see the smoke comin’? And did you smell that? (smoke from the smoke machine descends). I just heard the news. They said that they’ll be retiring the Space Shuttle (Crowd: Booooooo) Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Do we have any rocket scientists in the house. (Crowd: Yeeeaaah) We do? That’s funny, none of you guys look like scientists to me. Y’all might be dressed smart but y’all really don’t look smart to me. Y’all can’t even figure a way to get your date on your own litlle orbit and you wann tell me that you’re a rocket scientis? Hahahaha … only joking. I’m actually working on my Ph.D right now. Aaahaaa, that’s right. I work as a DJ at night and by day I am a PhD student. I am a Phd Canditate for the subject of love. L-O-V-E, love. You heard it, y’all. I want to know every little thing about my baby. I want to add her, subtract her, divide her and multiply her. I want to do the calculations and figure out her orbit, the angle of trajectory and re-entry. And right now, I am working on a spaceship that I call the USS Reaches and it rhymes with my name Rich ‘coz I want to reach her like no man has ever reached her before. You know what I mean baby? I’m working real hard on it – I mean real hard. So, until I can put you around on my own orbit here, I want to send you on a trip with this here rockit ….” CLICK TO SEE A VIDEO

A NOTE FROM ROBERT: I had a lot of fun developing the DJ Rich Series. As a result, I’ve resolved to do more of these in the future and maybe even spin it off to create a new series dedicated to the 80’s music and music of other decades. So, keep an eye out for that in the future. 

WHY THE FUNNY BLOG SERIES?

Yestradamus 070709

CONTINUED FROM Y060709 (2of4)
CLICK TO READ PREVIOUS EPISODE

Sometimes when you find a solution to one problem, another problem pops up unexpectedly. Life is interesting that way. By association, I was now a bonafide member of the High School Let’s Get Wasted Club. I had a pass to just about any party that she got invited to. But one thing she didn’t know was that I was many years older than I had led on. That means any number of boyfriend and girlfriend things that we might end up engaging in would likely be a violation of child exploitation laws. Put simply, she was a minor and I wasn’t. I was stuck with an interesting conundrum, which threatened to blow my cover. To make sure none of her rights were violated, I had to essentially transform into some sort of libertine monk – a pot smoking Catholic sacristan choirboy. I could explain why it is that I cannot engage in any sexual activities with her. All I can say is that my devotion to my faith prohibits me from any sexual activity outside the bounds of matrimony. The Catholic faith prohibits having a little something before or something extra after marriage. That’s a reasonable explanation that she would probably understand. The only thing that I had to figure out was a good excuse why I could not even kiss her.

I was off to the library – the medical section – to figure out what illnesses I had to contract so I could excuse myself from kissing her. That posed some of the most interesting questions. How can I tell her I have something resembling acute tuberculosis and at the same time party like it’s 1999? I spent my whole brain just trying to figure out a way out to do this. In the end, none of the medical explanations would have worked. So, finally, I decided to take drastic measures and incapacitate my lips for smooching. I had to find a way to put my own mouth through a high velocity collision to make it unpalatable for kissing. I also had to wrap it with gauze to make it look like the hands of a prizefighter before a fight.

The best way to stage a busted lip is to have someone sucker punch you in the mouth. However, if a sadomasochist is not part of your network, the next best thing is to run your face into a wall while you have your lips outstretched. That’s very hard to do because it defies human instincts but not impossible. Whenever I have to do something unpleasant, something comes over me and I just stand up and do it. I took a coffee table, laid on the bed, lifted it up above my head and dropped it on my face. There was nay a smidge of ceremony, only results. After I came to, I had a busted lip that was legit and good for at least a couple of weeks. By the time I had bandaged it up, my mouth looked like the latest find from Egyptian antiquities – Liplockhamun. The biggest nutritional drawback from that was from that point forward everything I ate had to be put through a blender.

The inconvenience of the production was well worth the effort. If anything, I would not be encroaching on any laws. Even if she wanted to kiss me, my lips would not touch hers. Hers would be touching basically a mummy. The next day, my appearance at school was on my list of things to do. So off I went to pick my girl up – at 7AM.

TO BE CONTINUED
(Analyst 47X)

WHY THE FUNNY BLOG SERIES?

Happy 233rd Birthday, America!

We hold these truths to be self evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

No series of words in the annals of American political life seeks more for the dignity of the human condition than the second line of the “Declaration of Independence”. It is forceful in its simplicity and elegant in its delivery. So far reaching it is, in fact, that experts regard it to be “the most potent and consequential words in American history”. It is an important basis for this nation’s founding and the adoption of the Constitution. This is one of the many reasons why we celebrate our independence.

We at Robert’s Justice wish you all a "Safe and a Happy 4th of July", on the 233rd Birthday of these United States.